I am rarely negative, which has not always been the case...
My prayers use to be more complaining than focusing on what I want and I am currently on my 5th prayer campaign which is partially why I started this blog in the first place. Now I rarely complain in prayer but this evening I had to let loose and tell GOD and the Universe exactly how I felt! As I get older I find myself being more candid with GOD and the Universe, bypassing the BS!
To be honest I have selectively shared information on this blog that has never been "intimately personal" with all the details and tonight I will change that. Why? Because there are most likely people out there just like me who may find this post inspiration and "REAL" and since I am not selling anything nor am I trying to tell people how to live you may enjoy this post and my archives!
I turned 45 years old today 4/28/15 and I woke up feeling really good! The day was absolutely beautiful and one of my best friends took me to lunch and then his wife cooked me dinner and a cake! WOW! They were awesome!
So why does life suck? Well I have been in a place for almost 2 years where I am unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and "existing" instead of living life! My prayer campaign calling forth 9 primary choices (see my archives within this blog) is 23.5 months old but the things I have called forth through prayer have not yet manifested. I have lost a lot and I do mean to tell you a lot! So much I would not dare to detail it all here but the loss sucks really bad!
I have come to see that what most see as contradictions is really easily explained in "half truths" that are explained in "The Kybalion" very clearly! I regularly pray for things and they never manifest, no matter how I pray or what techniques I use. This renders the "fact that prayer does not work" and that fact cannot be denied!
A complete seemingly contradiction is my experience that "Prayer does in fact work" as I have experienced my prayers manifesting hundreds of times! In this both "FACTS" are true at the exact same time, with the one being true depending upon one's reality at the moment!
More often than not "prayer does not work for me or within the time I need it to" rendering my state of existence a constance "emergency" where Time is not on my side most of the time!
I am torn because I, like you, have no clue as to what to do about how I feel! I vent in prayer "calling out GOD and the Universe" on the bullshit that others claim is true but for me is not (i.e. you can have whatsoever you desire, etc...) only to feel scared that I have messed myself up! In my last blog post, the one before this one, I talked about staying the course and that is what I always do!
What is more frustrating for me is that "I HAVE A 100% SUCCESS RATE" on all of my prayer campaigns where I make a list of what I want in my life and then pray on it until they all manifest and I have never failed! I have failed hundreds of times on other things though, simple to urgent to humble requests where I have no time and need it now! This is confusing and more frustrating than I can express in words!
I absolutely believe in prayer and I absolutely know prayer does not always work! Why is that? Some will answer that it was not GOD's will for me however I KNOW ABSOLUTELY that GOD has no will for me except for me to do whatever I desire! Religious dogmas and idiotic belief systems would paint GOD as this all knowing creator who manages millions of ant farms on every life sustaining planet in the Universe and I simply cannot grasp that! The genius GOD/Creator that created all I can conceive/comprehend (and that is not much) is too advanced for the behavior suggested by religious texts like the Bible!
My belief has worked many times and my belief has failed me many times! I would say I have a 65% failure rate and a 35% success rate and most of the failure is because I ran out of time and then had to move on because the need/want/desire was gone after certain things happened!
Some of the most true words ever said are "the battles are within" as that is what I am going through right now really in so many ways! Looking for answers outside myself is liking to drinking snake oil from a salesman who promises it cures every life problem!
I come to the realization that sometimes things are so fucked up and confusing and the disappointments so great that all I can do is life up the question "WHAT NOW?"
The answer is always the same and it comes from inside with a small soft voice usually saying "Never Give Up!"
Dreams do come true and while some things never manifest like we want, if we are dedicated to creating the life we want we have to maintain an inner focus and drive that refuses to take no for an answer and stay the course no matter what!
I will stand firm, work through the BS and stay the course! This is all I have and as my past proves all I have ever needed! As I close, thank you for reading my post and know that I believe that a sincere dedication to your desires, setting aside the worry about the hows or whens and focusing on the fact that others have what they want and so can we, will get you the results you seek!
